CommentsDevious Comments Thank you very much for pointing out that the word unfurled and unfold did not contrast very well. I was getting a bit wary about the word unfurled to begin with, but now that you pointed it out, I realized it sooner. Having your critique in mind, I have changed the conclusion to make better sense!
I shall return the favor if you were to ever want a critique from me! -- "Hell belongs in a book Where the setting is doused with flowers Upon a field, accompanied by butterflies, As some random man screams, “Today’s weather is 50 degrees With a 101% chance of cloudy skies, Just to irk the Hell out of it!" -SIRyan-  You are free to critique any pieces of mine that you feel able too! I really enjoy feedback of all forms, and am very excited by the prospect of this 'critiquing' thing they put on.
-- "My mother used to say to me, 'Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart, or oh so pleasant.' For years, I was smart, but I would recommend pleasant. You may quote me." ----Elwood P. Dowd Me too. Sometimes, like what just happened, one will critique something and it be misunderstood, and then the Artist himself will catch on to another thing, like I did. It's awesome!
-- "Hell belongs in a book Where the setting is doused with flowers Upon a field, accompanied by butterflies, As some random man screams, “Today’s weather is 50 degrees With a 101% chance of cloudy skies, Just to irk the Hell out of it!" -SIRyan- Again, thank you for the critique about those ellipsis's being where they were. I also did some of my own changes (if you would like to see for yourself) by making certain words into past tense like they should have been.
-- "Hell belongs in a book Where the setting is doused with flowers Upon a field, accompanied by butterflies, As some random man screams, “Today’s weather is 50 degrees With a 101% chance of cloudy skies, Just to irk the Hell out of it!" -SIRyan- Thank you very much, and I'll be sure to re-read once I have more time! feel free to Critique anything in my gallery if you wish.
-- "My mother used to say to me, 'Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart, or oh so pleasant.' For years, I was smart, but I would recommend pleasant. You may quote me." ----Elwood P. Dowd Critique sounds good. Yes, time seems to be a problem on my side too. When I get more freetime I will see what I can do.
-- "Hell belongs in a book Where the setting is doused with flowers Upon a field, accompanied by butterflies, As some random man screams, “Today’s weather is 50 degrees With a 101% chance of cloudy skies, Just to irk the Hell out of it!" -SIRyan- |
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I love the way you use the language to give it a more... well, I don't want to say "antiquated" as that has negative connotations, but more traditional, perhaps? The heaviness of the language gives it an almost Poe-like feeling, evoking images of darkness.
While you do not subscribe to any set rhythm, unlike some so-called "freeform" (or, on Dev art, and much preferable to myself, "open") poems, you use your space and line breaks with powerful effectiveness. You manage to convey pauses and emotions with your effective use of enjambments and other physical (read as: typographical) techniques. You also convey your story and meaning very well.
That being said, there was this:
Ellipses. It fits in the "repeat, fade" section where you first use it, as it gives that sense of fading away. However, I felt it disrupted the flow in the last stanza when it came after "unfurled." You were not like some authors and poets who brutally over use them, like I used to (it's a sickness) but I did feel the one after unfurled was generally unneeded.
Over all, it showed a great understanding of poetry and poetic devices matched with passion and powerful emotion. Well done!